What are Decksters, anyway ?
There isn't a simple answer to this important question, but cultural anthropologists and bartenders the world over have uncovered certain facts and recurrent patterns of behavior that may shed some light.
First, what the Decksters are not...
The Decksters are not a team.
They were a team, once upon a time, but those were back in the days when men were men and skis were made of wood and all Decksters skiied too fast and walked with a swagger ( now they just swagger ).
The Decksters are not a club.
They would never join a club that would accept them as members.
The Decksters are not a cult.
But they do share many symptoms of typical cult victims.
A partial list:
They speak a strange language full of mysterious references to "powderdays", "nature moments", "Miller Manuevers", "hosings", "last runs", etc.
They apparently all live together in secret compounds with strange names like "The Love Shack", "The Cove", "Andre's", "Hazel's".
They have no clear leader, but they consult mysterious oracles with strange names like "The Sisters" and "The Tomcat".
They speak in hushed tones of a person, god, or goddess known only as "Gus".
They make offerings of beer and wine to "Wolfie", hoping to placate his divine anger and/or wheedle sled rides.
They may sometimes look straight through you, as though focusing on something behind you that only they can see.
They have been known to visit a place called
"Irene's Garden" where they "float" and perform a strange ritual "helicopter dance".
They like to recite certain
legends and myths, like "JD and the Magic Clock", "Gus and the Bikini Race",
"Neat, McFly and the Towboat Captain", "Smith's Timewarp Brownies", "Tomcat and the Ferrari".
So what are they ?
The Decksters are probably a gang.
At least that is the current rumor going around.
So, if you spot any Decksters in your neighborhood you should take the following precautions:
Avoid direct eye contact (esp. with Anita if susceptible to hypnosis).
Drink plenty of liquids (also known as "catching up").
Take off all your clothes, jump up and down, and wave your arms in the air (they will think you're just one of them and probably ignore you).
If all else fails, you should just lie down and play dead.
They may come over to investigate, but most likely, no harm will come to you.
Enjoy your newly painted toenails !
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